93/365 And it hit you so much harder than you thought...(letters 26)

Dear Reggie,

Hey….been awhile since I wrote you an honest letter. Mostly because the last one I sent just left me feeling weak and stupid and I don’t like you seeing me like that.

I just realized something listening to Luther Vandross, I’m not the only one to blame this pain I feel. You’re responsible as well.

I don’t care if you don’t care to see me or text me regularly or even tell me what’s going on in your life. Ok, that’s a lie. I do care. Mostly because I just want to know that you’re doing well. Of course, I miss your advice and they way you make me laugh. I miss feeling like you care about me. I miss your touch and play arguing with you. I miss pretending like I was going to leave just so that you would make me stay. I miss feeling like you were the only man in the world that I could truly trust and that things would never change and that we were going to be best friends forever.

So yeah…I care a bit. But now that I realize those things are part of the past and/or, if I’m lucky, the distant future, all I want to do is know that you’re enjoying your time in New York. I just want to know that everything is good and that you’re happy and that everything is working out. I think about the talks we had at DU about our future. I remember how we both took the gamble of leaving DU. I remember us promising each other that we’d see each other through it. I just want to hold up my end of that bargain. I just want to make sure you feel like you made the right choice. It hurts so bad not knowing.

Anyway, back to my point. I’m not fully to blame. You played with me dude. The touching, the flirting. You can’t tell me that we didn’t almost kiss several times. You like me. We both know it. But honestly, if you knew it would never be more than a crush, you should have told me. I can’t get mad at you because there was no way I wanted to hear it. But why didn’t you say it anyway? Why did you string me along? Leave me with so many great memories just for that to be all they were.

I don’t know. I’m not mad at you. I’m just hurting.