(24/365) The antihero at the request of Panama Soweto

Amazing how true they both were at the time they were written

Now

I feel smart…

But then not at the same time.

I feel unjustified.

Abnormal,

…something like a goddess.

Now there’s an ambivalent position.

So I got the wake-up call today.

I am a grown woman lacking everything that goes with that title. Wonderful.

I will not ask for forgiveness when I say that is not what I want.

You needn’t excuse my desire to be more prepared.

It will be,

with or without your consent.

But the minute disappointment of the day,

Is that I’m not.

I feel extraordinary.

Supernatural.

Spontaneous.

I feel fascinating.

Worthy.

I feel all the things I once  wished I could feel.

I am a beautiful mess.

No one has lived this life.

Similar, sure.

And I respect the fact that everything has already been lived by my ancestors.

That they have set that path.

But now it’s mine.

And I will never be a mere face in the crowd

Or another name on a list.

I claim my place in heaven today,

Even with my feet on the ground.

It’s kind of spectacular to mean the world to even one person.

Uplifting even for that moment.

But every moment lasts forever.

You cannot watch a mountain decay.

A mountain lasts for millions of years.

A year is but a moment,

But every moment shapes it.

Every second becomes a part of it.

Just know to how much each bit amounts J.

I feel divine.

Happy,

Warm,

Genuine,

Successful.

I feel appropriate,

Even when they tell me I’m not.

Falling blind sighted into my purpose.

What can I say?

I feel like a goddess.

v.s.

Then

I feel stupid…

but then not at the same time.

I feel justified.

I feel normal.

I feel…human.

That’s a positive and negative all at once.

So I had a news flash today.

I’m a teenage girl, attributed with everything that goes along with that title. Joyful.

Please, please forgive me if that’s not what I want.

Pardon my desire to be above it,

to be special,

to be “mature beyond my years” as they put it.

The grand disappointment of the day;

I’m not.

I feel ordinary.

I feel mundane.

I feel routine.

I feel uninteresting.

I feel unworthy.

I feel all the things I’ve strived to be the very opposite of.

Sure, it happens to everyone.

Everyone goes through it.

“I know the feeling”.

It’s all comforting for awhile,

until you realize you’re just another face in the crowd,

another name on a list.

It’s kind of funny how everyone stands out to the same amount of people. It’s quite spectacular how bland it is.

Just to know to exactly how much it doesn’t amount.

I feel mediocre.

I feel content.

I feel lukewarm.

I feel like a failure.

But at what?

Being supernatural?

Can you blame me?

Probably not but somehow…I can.

I feel indecent.

I feel invaluable.

I feel purposeless.

What can I say?

I just feel stupid.