Dear Kimberly,
Goddam it. Why do you keep breaking me down? I HATE it.
Which probably means it's good for me.
Fine, whatever. So I'm frontin'. But you have to understand that I'm not used to be dissecting, or people understanding more about me than I understand about myself, or knowing the right questions to ask to break my front.
I'm used to being the advice giver all the time. And I love it. I love people thinking I'm so smart and have so a great social grip and that all mature and shit. I am so not cool with some being so much more acute to the emotions than me.
I am especially not used to such people taking an interest to me and trying to force me to say what's actually on my mind.
Also, I am not used to saying what is actually on my mind. I am extremely used to side-stepping it. I'm a pretty private person in SOME regards. Mostly the things that I haven't put together. But dude...I was 100% with Reggie and look where that got me. I feel like he got sick of me. I feel like it I bare myself too much people will get sick of me. I feel like I'm too much to carry. Too needy, too messy, broken etc.
So yeah, that's why I'm weary about being completely honest with myself. But you said that Reggie isn't the only person in the world. And truthfully, there are a lot of people asking me to open up. And I am hoping that a lot of people will be there for me. I am just genuinely afraid of what might happen if I put my weight on people and they have to withdraw or get too busy or no longer want to carry me.
What then? I'll just be worse off then I already am. I don't need another Reggie incident. So yep...that's where I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment