155/365 Letters 52 (read at your own risk and pace. It's a novel...)

Dear Caitie,

So you asked me to teach you how to let go....

Hmmm, well I figure it's a life long process so,

how about instead of a teacher-student relationship, 

we have a partnership.

We both learn in conjunction. You got things and at least one guy to let go of.

I have places and guys to let go of. This is what I have (tentatively) learned thus far.

-It is important to me before I dive into all personal experience, that I share what I have learned to be true about the concept of letting go in itself.

• The hardest part about letting go to me was this idea that, what if I wasn't supposed to let that thing go. Then I do and it's gone, then later on I find out I need it and I will never be able to get it back!

-Please, let us not pretend that we have never pulled this maneuver before. My biggest is with people, boys in particular. Ah, let's just cut to the chase; Reggie. How many times have you watched me decide that I was letting him go and text him the day later.

Moral of the story is, there will never be a point or thing that you let go that you cannot get back if absolutely necessary. Besides, what do we usually do when we get these things back? Resolve to let it go again. Until we're in this vicious cycle of holding and letting go of something that deep down we know doesn't belong to us. 

-KNOW that if you are thinking about letting something go (a person=for THEIR hurtful or careless actions/ a place or time=for the mere sake of growing up and moving on) you are probably right and you don't need it.

-But because people are fallible creatures capable of making mistakes we have a God, Universe, Fate, Destiny, whatever your Guiding Light may be, to step in if we are out of control. Basically, don't just "go with the flow", fully realize that you CAN NOT control the tides!!!! Become apart of the currents, don't make your own purpose, cooperate with the greater purpose. And then stuff is easy. If you really need it, it will come back. Nothing is ever lost or gained, we're all just kind of floating past each other.

• Now...once you realize all that, letting go won't be so overwhelming or scary to do. Honestly, the hardest part is believing and trusting in the above philosophy. Trusting the Universe is something I have always found hardest to do. Often, the hardest things to do are the most rewarding.

As for personal experience, the 3 things of which I am currently letting loose.

1. Reggie

• Shocker right?!

It should have happened long ago. He's done so much for me in my life and we've had so many good times. But that's what I'm learning, the moments he and I had, the lessons he taught me, the joy he brought me: no one can ever take that away.Those moments existed and were awesome and shaped me to this day.

But it is also possible that that chapter is over. Or he could be a reoccurring character that just has somewhere else to be for a couple of chapters.

All I know is, it's not okay for me to always be the first to text. It's not okay that he doesn't make an effort to see me. It's not okay how much he's hurt me. Until these patterns of behavior genuinely change, I have to let him go and he can't get back in. He can say he loves and cares about me all he wants but people cheapen talk and I can only ever judge people by how they treat me, not how they claim they'll treat me.

• So...it's been a little less than a month since I last contacted him and, as to be expected, he hasn't contacted me. The process at first was PAINFUL. i cried quite a bit and was tempted to text and/or call him more time then I will ever let myself admit. Luckily, I had a good friend who told me to text and/or call her every time I was thinking of contact him. I strongly recommend this strategy. And you KNOW I am beyond willing to be that person. So after awhile, it just got easier. And now? I don't know...I'm starting to begin to realize I don't need him. I'm starting to love myself enough to know that without him my life goes on. I'm experiencing things and meeting new people and conquering new challenges. And for the first time in a long time, I can see myself with out him. Forever if need be.

2. Sutherland

• Again, not a novelty.

I don't know...I guess I like the attention he gives me. Every discomfort I have is an enormous problem to which he needs to coddle i.e. disarm before the world explodes. He makes me feel like I'm his world when we're together and he looks me in the eyes. Can you blame me for craving that feeling? But we know I need to let him go, so...

• What I did recently was make him spend time with me. I laid down the law of what had to happened on the day we chilled. He had to be on time, not high, x amount of time was to be spent, etc. We spent about 6 hours together. Had a great time, I told him we needed a break from each other. Because we both had things to take care of. Told him I would run into him sometime this summer (inevitably) and will see how it feels. No promises, open-ended.
• The pact has gone in and out of implementation so far but honestly, things are A LOT better when it's in place. Trust me. I'm strong enough these days. And I know he loves me, and he knows I am there when he absolutely needs me  but only then.
• My resolution, since we are in the same state for now, is to STOP pulling him aside and/or deliberately meeting him places. Doing so just shows that I haven't let go of our intimate relationship. It just shows I'm making up problems and scenarios to make us exclusive if just for moments. it's not worth it. Anything, I can not say to him publicly should not be said at all.

3. Home

• For while I'm in San Francisco of course.

It is important to love where you are and we know  it makes us sick when we don't. We miss moments when we don't. Moments that are happening right where we are.

• So me, I'm planning ahead. I'm starting a club, I'm building a community, I'm enjoying my classes and putting the extra effort in them. I'm making a life there equipped with things I don't have at home so that I can love both equally for different reasons. School in San Francisco is a major foundation for my future. I plan to make it strong and fun!

So yeah, share you experiences. Hope this helps :)!