364/365 Curious George

Dear Kyle,
I just missed 11:11 on the clock. It is now 11:12 which means I could be dead wrong about everything I'm about to write (I don't know how you interpret 11:11 but I think it means I'm on the right track. Just missing it could be the exact opposite) but it's an epiphany I had this moment and I think it's worth noting.

I'm very much aware that you may never write me the way you've said you would. Especially considering you don't have much time. I leave for San Francisco Tuesday afternoon and no offense but the last thing I want is to get some long, "heart felt" message from you when I get there. I plan to pour all my energy and attention into all thing present when I get there. Focus on my life there and making it rich. I don't want to feel the need to focus any attention on you or have any reason to spend my very precious currency of thought on you. Again, no offense, I just seriously need to move on.

So, you have until Tuesday, if not then, then you failed at writing me back a second time. Who is surprised? But damn, wouldn't that say something about you, or me, or where I fall on your priority list? Something to seriously consider.

Anyway, epiphany; you only hook up with me when you're feeling guilty or lustful. It's like I said in the car after Red Rocks, your hooking up with me is this instant gratification. When I make you feel badly, make you see that you've wronged me, of course your immediate  response is to want redemption. The only way you seem to know you've got recieved redemption is if I give in and hook up with you. I am guilty in this matter as well because I want some sort of confirmation that you understood how poorly you've treated me and that you are going to change. Instead of getting this in the form of a polite, adult discussion and action as proof you can change, I settle only for what is given which is you jumping my bones....

The lust thing usually comes when we are away from each other for a long time. Like the week I spent in Telluride. When I got back, we hooked up in Panama's apartment. Almost every time I went to San Francisco and this summer, when you got back from your trip, we pounced.

I cling to you when I want forgiveness as well. I know you don't enjoy the idea of spending time with me. I only like it if your next to me. If I can lay some sort of claim to you. If I reserve the right to sit next to you. But I know you hate that. It hurts me that you hate that.

It just seems to me our relationship has been based solely on cyclical regression. You're not unlike any of my addictions.

"Never drink to feel better, only drink to feel even better."

363/365 Free-write (8/17/2011)

He could see through the thick skin of the wind
could wrap chimes around his fingers.

I swore he conducted the stars.
We were standing on the porch steps once,
in the middle of New York City.
Listening to the bustle of cars,
the suffocation of smog.

He asked me if I could ever called it home,
asked me if he was enough to make a place feel like home.
I told him you can’t make homes out of human beings,
but his voice made me feel cozier then summer comfort.

And that’s when it hit.
What my elders always warned about.
There will be temptations,
test,
beckoning you to diverge from the path you chosen.
The path you said you always wanted for yourself.
The things you swore you’d always do.

I didn’t look him in the eyes for fear they would
swallow me whole,
and that I would never climb out.
Because I knew I had to go.
When life hands you an opportunity,
there will always be the feeling that you will never get better.

You will always get better,
you will always deserve better than this moment.

Then what is the point of life.
Grind mode I guess.
Self improvement,
too bad there is a biological clock.
I would like to have my own kids but I doubt my life is ever going to slow down long enough for me to have them
while my uterus is still down for the cause.

I could adopt.
French, Italian, African.
So I speak to them in their native tongue.
So I can learn their history and teach them their pride.

It’s not gender specific.
And I have no idea where that thought came from.
afdafdafdarhttb ninbvfcdxdc bvhcgdcsda fthsfhbvadcxa
Dududuuduudududeuu squeeze squeeze

362/365 Scratch that, I'd rather just say what I need (demand)

Chivalrous, (includes door opening, purchases, flowers and all around thoughtfulness)
Respects me and my vow for AS LONG AS IT TAKES. I will not be pressured into anything even marriage!
Love for all the things I deserve to be loved for; my sense of humor, my height, my body, my sense of adventure and spontaneity)
Consistency.
Affectionate.
Enjoys having fun.
NEEDS to be a reader.
Likes to be read to.
Likes to read to me.

361/365 Free-write in Blood 2

It just that him saying that last night gave me hope, that if that was truly what it was, if how he treats me was because of something I did, then I would do anything to change his mind. Then we could have a friendship but chances are it's not that easy. Chances are that's not the only reason for his rudeness, it's not the only reason we don't connect and it wouldn't change anything. I'm being selfish because I just don't want to walk away feeling like any of this is my fault. I want to clean up my mess. But I would also like it if he did the same. If we both called ourselves out on what we did wrong, I feel like it would peroxide to eachother's wound, so that we don't have to walk away picking at them. This break doesn't feel clean at all and that's what sucks. I feel like he hates and is annoyed by me. Which is also sucky. And if we come back together wanting to be friends and this isn't cleaned up if we don't know the full wrongs we've received

360/365 Free-write in blood

We went through some super natural stuff. For sure, it was beautiful and noteworthy but can't be the focus. If that is what is needed, the universe will speak that. If not, things will go swimmingly either way. But I'm pretty sure the goal now is to move on. and I don't understand why, and I don't have a flipping clue what it all means, but I'll trust God. This is what he is telling me to do and despite the sudden wobbly feeling caused by my conversation with Richard, it's time to move on and I've known it.
But how do I handle it in the future when he wants to talk or has a moment of weakness. Cross that bridge when we get to it. Just stay focus on other stuff. Which you have plenty of. You know what to do.
That talk about physical versus super natural. And while of course we are spirits we are literally trapped in a physical world. I mean just look at what we walk around in. There are ways to temporarily transcends this world but we can't dwell in the spirit realm.
I say this because I think, it the spirit realm, Kyle and I are meant to have a child for some purpose. I believe that intuitively. In the physical realm to which we are bound, that is absurd. So, the stuff really gets messy.

To give you a better example of how out of sync the spiritual and physical realm are, think about this. A women's body in the prime place to have a child from the age of 22-26. How many 22-26 year old get married and live happily ever after. Very few, the divorce rates are insane and the people unhappy with their life are even more alarming. It doesn't add up or line up or grrrr, what is the purpose?!

And it doesn't make sense that I'm hurting after losing Kyle. Well, I guess it does. I love him, we've been involved for so long. It's always felt like it's ending and then hasn't so for all I know this could be no difference. I just...ugh, there are so many things I loved to change about how it all went down. But no more obsessing. #keepitmoving

359/365 Free-write w/ Workshoper 8/17/2011

He could see through the thick skin of the wind
could wrap chimes around his fingers.

I swore he conducted the stars.
We were standing on the porch steps once,
in the middle of New York City.
Listening to the bustle of cars,
the suffocation of smog.

He asked me if I could ever called it home,
asked me if he was enough to make a place feel like home.
I told him you can’t make homes out of human beings,
but his voice made me feel cozier then summer comfort.

And that’s when it hit.
What my elders always warned about.
There will be temptations,
test,
beckoning you to diverge from the path you chosen.
The path you said you always wanted for yourself.
The things you swore you’d always do.

I didn’t look him in the eyes for fear they would
swallow me whole,
and that I would never climb out.
Because I knew I had to go.
When life hands you an opportunity,
there will always be the feeling that you will never get better.

You will always get better,
you will always deserve better than this moment.

Then what is the point of life.
Grind mode I guess.
Self improvement,
too bad there is a biological clock.
I would like to have my own kids but I doubt my life is ever going to slow down long enough for me to have them
while my uterus is still down for the cause.

I could adopt.
French, Italian, African.
So I speak to them in their native tongue.
So I can learn their history and teach them their pride.

It’s not gender specific.
And I have no idea where that thought came from.
afdafdafdarhttb ninbvfcdxdc bvhcgdcsda fthsfhbvadcxa
Dududuuduudududeuu squeeze squeeze

358/365 Free-write 8/16/2011

I know deep down in my heart that you're not the one.
But if that fails,
there is pure common sense.

For instance;
*I want a guy who knows I'm worth waiting for
*Chivalrous
*....

357/365 Nightfall II

The night is usually so clam here,
Rhythmic crickets,
wind hums
and melodic calmness Denver's night's bring this part of town.

But there's an urgency about this night.
I can feel knocking.
I can't tell if it's at the front door or the back.
I've check both,
no one there,
but still...knocking.

That's when I saw you.
Couldn't have been more than three millimeters tall,
knocking at the door of my silver heart without flowers,
without chivalry,
or candles,
or respect for the sleeping.
There was an arrogance about your stance,
...

356/365 Again with Fire...

There are thing a fire learns very early in life;
To blaze,
to sizzle,
dance,
desire,
tempt,
engulf
destroy.

There are things
a fire is rarely taught.
To be desired.
To be tamed.
To play
enjoy

I don't know how you got here.
Where you came from
what path you choose that landed you in the hearth of this fire.

But I've noticed your callous your fingers.
The way they are printless,
raw
and smooth.

The way you grip my body,
unpetrified
and stare at me as though I weren't the sun.
Hasn't anyone ever told you not to stare directly into the sun,

I think I might have mentioned it.
I think I sent you several flare gun warning signs,
I think, I'm not sure, why you're still here.

355/365 Free-write on 8/14/2011

And you'll make a problems just to see if they'll help you solve them when you really should be trusting and avoiding your time with them.

354/365 Free-write on 7/24/2011

I can't keep playing keep it up
with my relationships or pull it down just
to watch them force their way
to the ceiling.
Let them rise and fall on their own.
Either the were given God's helium
breath or they simply were not
meant to be

353/365 Letters 104

Dear Kyle,

There are certain people,
you just keep coming back to.
She is right in front of you.

You befin to wonder
could you find a better one
compared to her
Now she's in question.

And all at once,
the crowd begins to sing;
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing, are the same.

Maybe you want her,
Maybe you need her,
Maybe you've started to compare,
to someone not there.

Lookin' for the right one,
you lined up the world to fin.
Where no questions cross your mind.
But she won't keep on waiting,
for you without a doubt,
much longer for you to sort it ou.

Perfection will not come.
Oh, it never comes.
Maybe you want her.
Maybe you need her.
Maybe you had her.
Maybe you lost her,
to another
oh, to another.

352/365 Free-write on the bus

So we sat there,
both of us begging for something with our eyes.

Her forgiveness for her ancestry,
me for understanding of what my people had become.

...that's all I have to say about that....

351/365 Free-write at Play-ground

Something beautiful about a daughter falling off a slide into her father's welcoming arms.
You mean to tell me there's a scenario in which a girl can fall and a man will be there for her.
Interessant....

350/365 Letters 103

You know who you are,
Stop talking to me about marriage and kids when you don't even want to be with me.
And I'm not getting married anytime with in the next give years so if that screws up your complete.

349/365 Opener

Inspiration woke me up around 4:30 this morning.
I was pissed.
But it was worth it.

348/365 Free-write (7/19/2011)

And this guilt I carry around
like maggots in pocket
like flesh eating vultures.

As if I enjoy feeling my muscles deteriorate
wage wars on myself before
life even gets to attack.

I am making myself an easy swallow
(work with analogy of poisonous snakes who deteriorate their food and is it death or just tests?)

347/365 Floating

I like to dive in knowing I can’t swim,
But I figure,
once I get in the water,
I’ll have no choice but to learn right?

When the water slips above my head
and panic slips into my lungs evicting all the oxygen.
I think it’s over,
but I always come out floating.

Dead. And defeated.
But somehow…
still floating.

346/365 Religion (Draft 1)

In the attic of my mother's heart 

there are cobwebs, and crowbars.
Old bibles and new religions 

In the center of everything
lies a three-year old version of myself.
My never speaks of any other age.
Every memory of my toddler era starts with
“When Dominique was three…”
What I gather is when I was three I could do no wrong.
I was cutest then,
smartest,
the year before she left me with a male babysitter must have been the last year she wanted to remember
My mother is not religious,
Traded church attendance for a Miles Monroe novels,
tells me,
when she went to church,
some of the things they (preached) didn’t FEEL right.

I am anything but religious.
Traded in bible study for a village of mentors,
I tell them,
when I read my bible,
sometimes things I read didn’t FEEL right.
I grew up in the church my mother was desperate for after I was molested.
It was where I got my first innocent kiss,
and where I learned being tall was beautiful,
especially on me

It was also the place were I voluntarily lost my virginity
towards the age of six.
[and] I’m sorry,
because I have thought of a pretty or poetic way to say that.
But all of this was proof,
that no thing,
no one
and no place
is 100% good or bad.
I was no safer in the church than I felt in my own body.
My mother is stubborn.
And when it comes to this family tree,
the apple didn’t…even…roll…
We both serve the same God,
so we spend time fighting over which doctrines to follow.
Snorting parchment
and choking on scriptures.
She offers proof of her absolutist belief with the fact
that most religious holidays around Jesus’s birth.
I mention winter solstice and astrology
and she flips ship.
Asks me if I think Winter Solstice will protect me.
I hadn’t thought about it,
but now that you mention it…
I don’t really give a damn!
Mother we are serving the same God,
the same guiding light.
Because how many of us still slice open a lamb in sacrifice,
but you boast about reading the bible three times,
and walking in it’s every word.
No, we walk by intuition.
We DO only what feels right,
what aligns us with the Universe,
and power inside of us.
There is power inside of me.
I know you’re scared,
because you don’t want me to experience the things you went through without God
but you’ve changed your beliefs at least 3 times since I turned 4
and we’ve still been cared for,
It is your FAITH that has made you whole.
And I know,
I have no real proof to offer you of my beliefs and we are too much
alike for me not to change them at least a few more times before I hit your age,
I’m not saying I know everything,
or anything at all,
but I am asking you,
to have an open heart.

There is barbed wire on the door-knob of my mother's attic
coiled into thickets
My mother never fully pronounces
the word molest-, lestation, molestation *hard swallow*, some things are better left in the attic

345/365 To My Unborn Son (Draft1)

An effective Heimlich maneuver
will often brake the tip of the sternum. {no pause}
30 percent of successful resuscitations
end in at least one broken rib. {longer pause}

They also end with a survivor walking away from a scene that could have otherwise taken their life.
Most things meant to heal you,
have to break something first.

So to my unborn son,
you will be the heart breaker
everyone warns their daughters about.
Not because you are insensitive,
or incompassionate.
but because you will have a heart the size of an ocean,
but a mind wise enough to know the difference between a chapter
and forever.
When you leave them,
something inside them will BREAK
and they will hate you,
{pause} until they learn to love themselves.

To my unborn son,
You will be a mama’s boy, {get country}
and will hold no shame with that title.
you will treat every woman you meet with the gentle love, respect and honor you give me,
you will respect them
because they deserve it
and if they do not act like they deserve it
you will treat them like they deserve it
until they respect themselves {pause}

My unborn son,
you will be no Jesus
you will fall,
fumble,
say hurtful things,
and will SMACK these habits out of you,
but realize that only break you,
to make you stronger.

They say it is an irresponsible time to have a child.
That this world is so far gone,
but why not give it a reason to correct itself.
YOU
will be a reason for the this world to correct itself.
You will pivotal.
Necessary.
It would be irresponsible NOT to give Gaia you as a gift.

You will be a sunrise without smog,
a breath a fresh air.
You will be a mama’s boy. {soft}
You will treat this earth with the love, respect and honor that you owe it.
You will nourish the desolate soil of the ghetto,
you will break it,
so it’s root can reach the .

You will break hearts so we can learn what makes them beat,
break soil,
so our crops may harvest,

When a throat is lodged,
the sternum must be broken to unclog it,
when lungs fill with liquid,
ribs have to be cracked in order to drain it.

When this world is fills with toxins
and counterproductive behavior.
Some habits need to be broken,
some patterns need to dislodged,
you will the son

that SNAPS the horizon,
the light this world needs,
to see itself,
to love and respect itself
so we can finally rebuild.