Dear Kyle,
I just missed 11:11 on the clock. It is now 11:12 which means I could be dead wrong about everything I'm about to write (I don't know how you interpret 11:11 but I think it means I'm on the right track. Just missing it could be the exact opposite) but it's an epiphany I had this moment and I think it's worth noting.
I'm very much aware that you may never write me the way you've said you would. Especially considering you don't have much time. I leave for San Francisco Tuesday afternoon and no offense but the last thing I want is to get some long, "heart felt" message from you when I get there. I plan to pour all my energy and attention into all thing present when I get there. Focus on my life there and making it rich. I don't want to feel the need to focus any attention on you or have any reason to spend my very precious currency of thought on you. Again, no offense, I just seriously need to move on.
So, you have until Tuesday, if not then, then you failed at writing me back a second time. Who is surprised? But damn, wouldn't that say something about you, or me, or where I fall on your priority list? Something to seriously consider.
Anyway, epiphany; you only hook up with me when you're feeling guilty or lustful. It's like I said in the car after Red Rocks, your hooking up with me is this instant gratification. When I make you feel badly, make you see that you've wronged me, of course your immediate response is to want redemption. The only way you seem to know you've got recieved redemption is if I give in and hook up with you. I am guilty in this matter as well because I want some sort of confirmation that you understood how poorly you've treated me and that you are going to change. Instead of getting this in the form of a polite, adult discussion and action as proof you can change, I settle only for what is given which is you jumping my bones....
The lust thing usually comes when we are away from each other for a long time. Like the week I spent in Telluride. When I got back, we hooked up in Panama's apartment. Almost every time I went to San Francisco and this summer, when you got back from your trip, we pounced.
I cling to you when I want forgiveness as well. I know you don't enjoy the idea of spending time with me. I only like it if your next to me. If I can lay some sort of claim to you. If I reserve the right to sit next to you. But I know you hate that. It hurts me that you hate that.
It just seems to me our relationship has been based solely on cyclical regression. You're not unlike any of my addictions.
"Never drink to feel better, only drink to feel even better."
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