346/365 Religion (Draft 1)

In the attic of my mother's heart 

there are cobwebs, and crowbars.
Old bibles and new religions 

In the center of everything
lies a three-year old version of myself.
My never speaks of any other age.
Every memory of my toddler era starts with
“When Dominique was three…”
What I gather is when I was three I could do no wrong.
I was cutest then,
smartest,
the year before she left me with a male babysitter must have been the last year she wanted to remember
My mother is not religious,
Traded church attendance for a Miles Monroe novels,
tells me,
when she went to church,
some of the things they (preached) didn’t FEEL right.

I am anything but religious.
Traded in bible study for a village of mentors,
I tell them,
when I read my bible,
sometimes things I read didn’t FEEL right.
I grew up in the church my mother was desperate for after I was molested.
It was where I got my first innocent kiss,
and where I learned being tall was beautiful,
especially on me

It was also the place were I voluntarily lost my virginity
towards the age of six.
[and] I’m sorry,
because I have thought of a pretty or poetic way to say that.
But all of this was proof,
that no thing,
no one
and no place
is 100% good or bad.
I was no safer in the church than I felt in my own body.
My mother is stubborn.
And when it comes to this family tree,
the apple didn’t…even…roll…
We both serve the same God,
so we spend time fighting over which doctrines to follow.
Snorting parchment
and choking on scriptures.
She offers proof of her absolutist belief with the fact
that most religious holidays around Jesus’s birth.
I mention winter solstice and astrology
and she flips ship.
Asks me if I think Winter Solstice will protect me.
I hadn’t thought about it,
but now that you mention it…
I don’t really give a damn!
Mother we are serving the same God,
the same guiding light.
Because how many of us still slice open a lamb in sacrifice,
but you boast about reading the bible three times,
and walking in it’s every word.
No, we walk by intuition.
We DO only what feels right,
what aligns us with the Universe,
and power inside of us.
There is power inside of me.
I know you’re scared,
because you don’t want me to experience the things you went through without God
but you’ve changed your beliefs at least 3 times since I turned 4
and we’ve still been cared for,
It is your FAITH that has made you whole.
And I know,
I have no real proof to offer you of my beliefs and we are too much
alike for me not to change them at least a few more times before I hit your age,
I’m not saying I know everything,
or anything at all,
but I am asking you,
to have an open heart.

There is barbed wire on the door-knob of my mother's attic
coiled into thickets
My mother never fully pronounces
the word molest-, lestation, molestation *hard swallow*, some things are better left in the attic