So sit with it. Don’t ignore it. Don’t hide it from yourself or your journal out of some shame. Own up to what you’re feeling right now. That’s probably why you keep falling into these relapses. The first step to any step is to admit, admit and admit again. In that regard, Ayinde was right. I need to sit with the part of me that is so led to these guys I fully know are not good for me. Ignoring it doesn’t take away its power. Facing it does.
I miss him. I REALLY want to know how he is doing. I’ve been thinking about calling him for awhile now and I’ve sat with that thought for the past 20 hours which has only served to make it worse. I want to hear his voice so badly. Have a conversation like we used to. It doesn’t matter too much now because Pascal is back which means I can’t steal his phone. Of course, it’s still worth it to sit with it because it’s not like I won’t have any other opportunities and it’s not like that feeling will go away just because I don’t have a phone. So let’s sit with it and stop rushing to get rid of what I’m feeling right now.
It’s killing me not knowing how he is. Like genuinely hurting me. And to spend time with him right now would make me so happy. How can I make this work? It also has to do with the fact that I’m kind of lonely and I want to have someone to turn to. That’s why I am kind of shying away from doing this.
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