February 15, 2011
Ok, so I've been talking about rape. My distance and (some would go so far as to say) apathy about it has got some peoples' panties in a twist. Don't get me wrong, the last thing I want to do is step on the toes of someone's comping process, but am I not allowed to deal with in my own way? I'm a 'look at the bright side' type of person and I don't consider it worth it to be so enveloped in the pain that you can't see the pleasure. The pleasure in saying, yeah, I went through it and I'm still standing (not to mention awesome) and though it's apart of me, "rape victim" doesn't define me. I guess I'm looking at the bright side so much that I forget what it was like be sitting in the fetal position in the darkest corner of a locked room praying to God no one picked the lock and let enough light in to let the world see me. It wasn't long ago that I was there. But you serve what you fear and because I am not apt to serving anyone or thing, I don't fear light anymore. I don't fear my own, power, nor do I deny having it.
Every "victim" (hate that word) I've ever talked to has admitted they never publicly shared (or thought they had the strength to share) their story. I put that stuff on blast. Share it in front of as many people as my coaches would let me and tagged as many people on Facebook as I thought would read it. I put myself on B-LAST(!) to let myself and everybody else know that I wasn't hiding anymore. I've left that dark room and forget going back! I was really hard on myself to leave that room so I guess that's why I'm so hard on everyone else.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm keeping myself arm's length away because I'm avoiding something, some gem of an emotion that's left over from the pressure that I haven't fully discovered yet. Wouldn't be the first time. Therapy should help uncover that answer. But if I'm right, I'm picking as many locks as I can and not stopping until no one is afraid of light....or I'm dead...probably the latter.
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