248/365 Reaching

I don't feel like I got all that I needed to say out. You were tired and I was in a weird mood.


I don't know, I just hope that what I admitted to you doesn't discredit everything I've said in your mind and I hope it doesn't make you feel like anything you have gotten me through wasn't real. I wasn't raped twice but was raped and molested and I needed a solider to get me through some of that battlefield. And you were there and you open me up to a world in me that I didn't even know.

And I didn't know that I was capable of such evil. But I'm glad that you showed me I was... I'm glad you showed me a lot of things.

I'm no better than Libby and things with us went sour quickly and I am jst rambling because I didn't sleep before I wrote you this and reset my mood so I realize that that was a bad idea.

I'm sorry, I made a big deal out of the color book. I want you to have it. The idea that it is going unused kind of bugs me but I also don't want you to feel obligated to use it. I don't know, maybe it's a representation of our relationship. I think it is. We are supposed to be goofy friends that make each other feel like kids. We shouldn't be this heavy. So maybe, one day, we'll colored in it together and you will want to. And maybe you won't think twice before you lay your hands on me or hold me and I won't "melt." Maybe, I won't ever have to wonder if you'll show up when we set a hang out time. I don't know, I think it represents who we're supposed to be but I could be reaching.

Anyway, I know you forgive me but just...I'm really worried that it somehow takes away from what we meant to each other or what we had or what we did or we are or what I've done for you or any of the memories that I hold so dear because even though that white-as-snowflake-lie turned into a snowball it doesn't change the way it felt to me. And what it did for me. 

yeah...I just needed you to know that. And I respect what you're doing, your taking yourself out of any drama that doesn't deal with you and your betterment and you can't know how much I will respect that. i think I'm going to do a similar thing and, in the mist of it, kind of disappear from you life a bit. i know you don't need my shit on your shoulders