66/365 Letters 6

Dear Kyle,

Have you ever been caught up in a stressful situation that you just couldn't get off your mind but you hear a song. 

It doesn't matter if you've heard it before or how you stumbled across it now.

If your mp3 were on shuffle or it suddenly popped into you head, now you can't get it out.

Not because it's catchy or redundant like a Nicki Minaj song but because something about it speaks to your situation.

It's calming.

So now you're hunting it down, your downloading it because your soul is craving it deeply. 

Like when you drink juice for the flavor although your body needs water and it starts sucking it down for as many H2O molecules it can scout out. Your being is craving this song.You memorize the lyrics, the melody, the voice of the artist just so you can replay it in your mind in libraries, hum it while walking on sidewalks and belt it aloud in your sound proof car. 

This song soothes the worries of your situation, but here's the catch; this song doesn't seem to be you situation at all. The song is about letting go but you want to hold on. The song is about love but you swear it's just a friendship. The song says fuck her but you have resolved to be her friend.

I've had so many instances like this. Like with ShaTera, when I had Loose Ends on repeat even though I thought the right thing to do was stick it out with her. Too bad I couldn't get the lines,

So what you say we give it up and walk away?

Nothing to salvage anyway.

out of my head. What ended up being my best solution?

I had a similar incident with you Kyle. Different song, scenario and solution but the plot parallels. 

It was after the Saturday I got back from SF for the first time and we did what we immediately regretted doing.

It was haunting me. not that moment. Though you have seconds of too little control, you're anything but a rapist. I know that. Even if my body, fears, and demons tell me differently, my intuition knows better.

I was concerned about the fate of our relationship. I was really concerned because as much as I've tried to act like I don't need you, that I could drop you from my life in a second, no biggie, that nothing we've had or could have matters; come on, review my actions. You must've known I was bluffing.

If you were even slightly fooled, I understand. I got caught up in the lies too. But Lamontagne's Shelter was the only thing that calmed my nerves when I found thoughts of you instead of sleep.

But listen when, all of this around us falls over,

I tell you what we're gonna do.

You will shelter me, my love 

And I will shelter you.

I didn't think it were possible. I didn't know how I would do it but I thought for sure I must let you go. There's no way I could expect you to shelter me, to have my back like that, to be so reliable. And I still can't. I can't except to call you and have you be your sweet, caring, wonderful, sober self. I can't text you with the expectation that you that you will text me back with the response I wanted or even a response at all. I can't expect you to be there when you say you will or at all. 

But Kyle.... Kyle I know you're trying and improving and it's just the realization that how close you are to being perfect matters far less than how much you truly love me and want me in your life. Because I love you and fuck it, I don't care what you do. You mean the world to me and I will not apologize for that.

This isn't about me at all. You're trying to get better for you. I want you better for you. Don't worry about me. I will shelter you my love. And when you have time, thank you for your shelter.

Meanwhile, our meager 5 page text conversation yesterday afternoon; well, if I had to describe it in one world, I'd go with...yay!

True Love,

Augustine

P.S. Angels were present when you sent the first text 11:11 :D