63/365 Letters 3

November 25, 2010

Dear Kyle,

I saw you leave flowers at the gravesite of our relationship today. I know you didn’t think I saw it, but I watched as I know you hoped I would. Is that why you did it? I caught the gesture, but it doesn’t mean much if you were only doing it because I was watching.

But I’ve taken into account that you did it for you and didn’t want to feel alone while you mourned the death of us. I understood this too late. Once I returned to the site to comfort you, you had already moved on. I have no right to be mad at you for that..

Now, I am alone at this site. Why does that always end up happening? I spend 10 hours for every one you spend here.

I wanted to tell you that those flowers you left in the form of a poem were beautiful, and each petal was true. I wantedto be re-victimized,  I asked you to abuse me. Keep in mind here, that you did not have to yes.

You are not fully to blame but most days I will fully blame you. If not simply to keep from falling for you.

I also want to apologize for spitting in your face. I couldn’t control the anger I felt for you in that moment. It’s faded now, and all I feel is love. That is what I called to tell you yesterday. I feel for you and I don’t like feeling pain. So if there’s anything you need from me or need to say, I guess, I wanted to give you the chance.

But mostly, I wanted you to say good bye to me. Say good bye like I’m weed and it is a capital crime to even touch me and the cops have you under 24 hour surveillance. I need you to say good bye to me like I mean something you. Like, any of this time we’ve spent together means something.

But I guess I’m on my own. So I’ll say it in a way I know you’ll never hear so I don’t have to bother you again. I love you, I’ll miss you. Goodbye.

Truthfully,

Augustine

P.S. I always love to leave you speechless so forgive me if I leave you without speaking…..