364/365 Curious George

Dear Kyle,
I just missed 11:11 on the clock. It is now 11:12 which means I could be dead wrong about everything I'm about to write (I don't know how you interpret 11:11 but I think it means I'm on the right track. Just missing it could be the exact opposite) but it's an epiphany I had this moment and I think it's worth noting.

I'm very much aware that you may never write me the way you've said you would. Especially considering you don't have much time. I leave for San Francisco Tuesday afternoon and no offense but the last thing I want is to get some long, "heart felt" message from you when I get there. I plan to pour all my energy and attention into all thing present when I get there. Focus on my life there and making it rich. I don't want to feel the need to focus any attention on you or have any reason to spend my very precious currency of thought on you. Again, no offense, I just seriously need to move on.

So, you have until Tuesday, if not then, then you failed at writing me back a second time. Who is surprised? But damn, wouldn't that say something about you, or me, or where I fall on your priority list? Something to seriously consider.

Anyway, epiphany; you only hook up with me when you're feeling guilty or lustful. It's like I said in the car after Red Rocks, your hooking up with me is this instant gratification. When I make you feel badly, make you see that you've wronged me, of course your immediate  response is to want redemption. The only way you seem to know you've got recieved redemption is if I give in and hook up with you. I am guilty in this matter as well because I want some sort of confirmation that you understood how poorly you've treated me and that you are going to change. Instead of getting this in the form of a polite, adult discussion and action as proof you can change, I settle only for what is given which is you jumping my bones....

The lust thing usually comes when we are away from each other for a long time. Like the week I spent in Telluride. When I got back, we hooked up in Panama's apartment. Almost every time I went to San Francisco and this summer, when you got back from your trip, we pounced.

I cling to you when I want forgiveness as well. I know you don't enjoy the idea of spending time with me. I only like it if your next to me. If I can lay some sort of claim to you. If I reserve the right to sit next to you. But I know you hate that. It hurts me that you hate that.

It just seems to me our relationship has been based solely on cyclical regression. You're not unlike any of my addictions.

"Never drink to feel better, only drink to feel even better."

361/365 Free-write in Blood 2

It just that him saying that last night gave me hope, that if that was truly what it was, if how he treats me was because of something I did, then I would do anything to change his mind. Then we could have a friendship but chances are it's not that easy. Chances are that's not the only reason for his rudeness, it's not the only reason we don't connect and it wouldn't change anything. I'm being selfish because I just don't want to walk away feeling like any of this is my fault. I want to clean up my mess. But I would also like it if he did the same. If we both called ourselves out on what we did wrong, I feel like it would peroxide to eachother's wound, so that we don't have to walk away picking at them. This break doesn't feel clean at all and that's what sucks. I feel like he hates and is annoyed by me. Which is also sucky. And if we come back together wanting to be friends and this isn't cleaned up if we don't know the full wrongs we've received

360/365 Free-write in blood

We went through some super natural stuff. For sure, it was beautiful and noteworthy but can't be the focus. If that is what is needed, the universe will speak that. If not, things will go swimmingly either way. But I'm pretty sure the goal now is to move on. and I don't understand why, and I don't have a flipping clue what it all means, but I'll trust God. This is what he is telling me to do and despite the sudden wobbly feeling caused by my conversation with Richard, it's time to move on and I've known it.
But how do I handle it in the future when he wants to talk or has a moment of weakness. Cross that bridge when we get to it. Just stay focus on other stuff. Which you have plenty of. You know what to do.
That talk about physical versus super natural. And while of course we are spirits we are literally trapped in a physical world. I mean just look at what we walk around in. There are ways to temporarily transcends this world but we can't dwell in the spirit realm.
I say this because I think, it the spirit realm, Kyle and I are meant to have a child for some purpose. I believe that intuitively. In the physical realm to which we are bound, that is absurd. So, the stuff really gets messy.

To give you a better example of how out of sync the spiritual and physical realm are, think about this. A women's body in the prime place to have a child from the age of 22-26. How many 22-26 year old get married and live happily ever after. Very few, the divorce rates are insane and the people unhappy with their life are even more alarming. It doesn't add up or line up or grrrr, what is the purpose?!

And it doesn't make sense that I'm hurting after losing Kyle. Well, I guess it does. I love him, we've been involved for so long. It's always felt like it's ending and then hasn't so for all I know this could be no difference. I just...ugh, there are so many things I loved to change about how it all went down. But no more obsessing. #keepitmoving

358/365 Free-write 8/16/2011

I know deep down in my heart that you're not the one.
But if that fails,
there is pure common sense.

For instance;
*I want a guy who knows I'm worth waiting for
*Chivalrous
*....

339/365 Free-write

We're holding on to air hoping it won't slip through our fingers,
gripping so hard
and crying.

Holding on to the smell of what used to be us,
all that's left,
is empty space.

Let go.

(9/365) I wanna cause you a miracle when you see the way I kept God's image alive

I've watched you scamper back to girl after girl once you've left them,

Promise to kiss them gently but pinned "insert tongue" signs on various places of their body.

You follow your own command forcefully.

But I've noticed,

you only return to the ones still reaching.

The ones who haven't quite let past pass,

the ones with no trust in the universe to bring them something better.

And you can boast all day long about the beauty of this one

and your feelings for that one,

but I know the truth beneath it all.

You're just a rat lookin' for scrapts.

You'll take whatever you can get, 

And go ahead and call yourself selective

but a crumb from a five star restaurant  

ain't a bit more special than the trash left over from the McDonald's down the street.

Believe that a well accredited Chef created me in His very image.

I can walk around flashin' my official goddess badge

but if I stoop to the mercy of your rat-like mouth,

I am just another crumb.

322/365 Free-write about Kyle

I’ve always wanted to be loved just the way you love me,
Down to my very hands and eyebrow frays.
I’ve always wanted to be held just the way you hold me,
with a gentle stroke and admiration of the things I was made from.
I turn to Savannah sand in your hands.
My mind races cheetah speed
I’m heart broken.

294/365 In-the-moment free-write

What do I need to tell Kyle right now.
I see us being friends again over time and I'm cool with that and I would like for that to happen. I'd be cool with you kicking it at my friends house in San Francisco and all of that.
Here's the thing, I care about you a lot and I love you a lot and for me, that means I'm going to be there and anything you need I am 100% there for you, that what friendship means to me right? It's an army of people to have your back and I won't call someone that sacred name if I don't feel like they have earned it.
We haven't really talked in awhile and there was that time in San Fran when we weren't talking, I've changed the way that I handle relationships. I'm stronger and I don't take crap from people no matter how much I love them. I want you to stay around, but I DON'T need you.
You know me, so you should know by now that when I love you, I give the best of myself, all of myself. And you should also know that when you get the best of me, you're getting the best of the best. Don't take that for granted because I'm not afraid to take away that privilege.
Of course, as much as I don't need you, you don't need me either. So if you don't think I am worth the hassle, tell me now and we can both save a lot of time.

293/365 Letters 95

Dear Kyle,
Notice that I have not returned your "I love you"'s in sometime.
I have not been so moved.
This is not because I don't love you, far from.
To reply "I love you too" would give credit to your words.
Show me a love that will drive 20 minutes to your house just to have a conversation.
Show me a love that craves spending time,
that would look up information to the Butterfly Pavillion or arranged a day to watch the sun rise just to keep a promise.
Show me a love that calls and texts every month in awhile.
Show me a love that would jump through hoops at the very utterance of unhappiness.
Show me a fraction of the love I have shown you since the day, the very day, I told you I loved you.
Show me that, and then maybe we can have a conversation.

You may love me,
but you're love is pathetic.
I am thoroughly unmoved.