144/365 These are my confessions...

1. He didn't rape me.

-If I wanted to justify myself...I'd say I associate sex with love [not my fault] and what sexual relations for that reason, I want it. But then it boils down to it, clothes hit the floor and the guilt sets in that I don't want sex. So I blame. In other words, you're not the first person I accused of raping. Plus, him and I didn't even have sex so yeah...

2. It is possible, that to a degree. I wanted/loved you for the things that you did for me sexual. 

-I have no explanation. I don't even know if it's true. It's just, in terms of coming clean...it may be.

3. I lied to you on the phone because I was mad that you believed her. Because I knew deep down that you had every reason to believe her, not just because it's true, but because it is well within my character to do that. I was mad because you figured that out before I did. Thanks for calling me on it. I need you to call me on more stuff like that. I may be pissed at first, but if you're right. You know I'll fess up.

Basically, I'm not a bad person, I'm a hybrid. Like every other person on the planet, I'm capable of good and evil. I understand if you find yourself to worthy to call me your friend. If I were you, I would walk away from me. 

The beauty of it is I'm not you. And you're a lot more forgiving than I am. Either way. I respect your decision. Thanks for sticking it out as long as you have.

145/365 Letters 44

Dear Franklin,

You put me over the weather when I'm under.

Did you know that you do that for me?

146/365 Letters 45

Dear Dominique,

Be patient.

In order to get what you've never had,

you have to do what you've never done.

it will work out. Even if you don't think it possibly could.

It will. 

WAIT!

147/365 Letters 46

Dear Kyle,

I guess we both have a little bit of animosity towards each other.

Like two 4 year olds saying "Let me do it!"

We're obsessed with trying to show each other we're all grown up,

that we don't need each other,

so we treat each other like crap.

Not like two people who, 

at some point, 

if even for a second,

meant the world to each other.

Not like two people who have forced each other to grow,

two people who inflicted pain on each other if only to remind that we feel.

We don't treat each other like we're best friends,

not even like we have each other's back.

148/365 Letters 47

Dear Libby,

Calm down.

Just because you switch teams every other day doesn't mean I do.

I got a set game plan sweetie.

149/365 Letters 48

Dear friends,

no more secrets.

At least... I'll try my best.

151/365 Letters 50

Dear Secretive Self,

It should be no secret.

There is a longing...

to speak with him,

to hang out with him.

It's ok. Just contain yourself.

The road to individualism,

Vulnerable

152/365 What I am is what I am

I am fire.
Untamable,
Untouchable.

Babe, you don't lay with fire.
You don't caress,
or sweet talk,
or kiss without notice.

You step back.
Humble yourself.
Let the authorities handle it.

Let the authorities handle me.
You don't stand a chance....

153/365 Letters 51

Dear heart,

please calm down.

Not every crush is a hero.

Not every plan is definite.

Not every thought needs to be shared.

Not every emotion needs to be felt so deeply.

Hold on loosely,

for my sake....

Important info to remember

Create an invisible wall around you in order to protect the sanctity of your being. Strengthen your beliefs and strive to move positively in a forward and more successful direction. Do not allow yourself to be caught in self doubt and conflicting ideals which others try forcing onto you. In simple terms, learn to ignore negative and damaging comments made against you. At the back of your mind, adopt the notion that people are entitled to their own opinions but equally you too have the right to filter or discard negatively targeted opinion.

Be open to constructive criticism. This is generally good for self improvement and indirectly helps you to become a more fruitful and stable person. Building on and improving your weaknesses is the best way to avoid feeling inferior. Focusing on managing your weaknesses helps prevent negative or emotionally draining accusations and comments from being made or from dragging you down. Weigh the situation objectively and decide for yourself the outcomes of such criticism.

Work closely with people who make you feel good about yourself. People who offer encouragement and embrace you as essentially human are precious and rare. Enjoy their wisdom and nourish yourself from their example, while striving to become stronger and more reliant on yourself in the process. Greater independence leads to more self confidence. A healthy self confidence in turn allows you less dependence or reliance on others for determining your self worth.

Love yourself enough, but not to the point of arrogance. Reward yourself, showing appreciation and respect for your own uniqueness and potential positives you have accomplished and hope to accomplish. Self sacrificial behavior can be good to a point but not where it causes you to be exhausted, frustrated, or taken advantage of. (Truth! That's a good one)

Maintain a neutral stance by staying focused and keeping calm. Know your your own limitations and work well with your strengths. Steer clear of any person or situation that will drag you down emotionally and create doubt in your own capabilities as an individual.

Refrain from or avoid bitterness and anger. These negative emotions are energy draining and set you back, depleting your self esteem, wasting precious energy. Re-track your thoughts when angry and bitter, focusing on another starting point with the aim of succeeding and moving forward. Remember your self-worth and worry less.

154/365 My new fast

-For AT LEAST 10 days (probably more once I found out I don't need these things)

-Fast starts no later than 12 am January 23, 2011.

Fast includes...*

• No TV or TV shows
• I am allowed to watch 3 total movies so long as I choose to sustain the fast.
• I am only allowed to watch Documentaries and am limited to one a day.
• No games via computer, cell phone or solitaire
• No laying in bed after 11am and before 8pm unless it's for no more than 30 min.
• No baths or showers less than 20 min. long.
• No more than 30 min on FB unless studying smart ppl or writing in which case FOCUS!!

*Keep in mind that all of these points apply to any form belonging and/or controlled by anyone at anytime, anywhere.

Now Dominique, tell me...since you won't be doing all these time consuming, unnecessary, growth stunting, activities...how will you spend your time. Well attentive reader, thank you so much for asking. 

Observe the following lists

Lists of things I should absolutely do...

• keep organize and things clean
• keep lists of goals, there progress, and to-do lists
• make and up keep blog
• study French and then Italian
• Do optional homework
• Secure jobs
• Study finances 
• check spendings savings
• improve weaknesses
• read from book list
• Study smart people ;)
• Stretch
• meditate
• study the things you want to know
• plan

For fun... :D

• color
• legos
• dance
• stitch
• read fiction novels
• write letters in french

Basically, stay productive and keep moving forward!

155/365 Letters 52 (read at your own risk and pace. It's a novel...)

Dear Caitie,

So you asked me to teach you how to let go....

Hmmm, well I figure it's a life long process so,

how about instead of a teacher-student relationship, 

we have a partnership.

We both learn in conjunction. You got things and at least one guy to let go of.

I have places and guys to let go of. This is what I have (tentatively) learned thus far.

-It is important to me before I dive into all personal experience, that I share what I have learned to be true about the concept of letting go in itself.

• The hardest part about letting go to me was this idea that, what if I wasn't supposed to let that thing go. Then I do and it's gone, then later on I find out I need it and I will never be able to get it back!

-Please, let us not pretend that we have never pulled this maneuver before. My biggest is with people, boys in particular. Ah, let's just cut to the chase; Reggie. How many times have you watched me decide that I was letting him go and text him the day later.

Moral of the story is, there will never be a point or thing that you let go that you cannot get back if absolutely necessary. Besides, what do we usually do when we get these things back? Resolve to let it go again. Until we're in this vicious cycle of holding and letting go of something that deep down we know doesn't belong to us. 

-KNOW that if you are thinking about letting something go (a person=for THEIR hurtful or careless actions/ a place or time=for the mere sake of growing up and moving on) you are probably right and you don't need it.

-But because people are fallible creatures capable of making mistakes we have a God, Universe, Fate, Destiny, whatever your Guiding Light may be, to step in if we are out of control. Basically, don't just "go with the flow", fully realize that you CAN NOT control the tides!!!! Become apart of the currents, don't make your own purpose, cooperate with the greater purpose. And then stuff is easy. If you really need it, it will come back. Nothing is ever lost or gained, we're all just kind of floating past each other.

• Now...once you realize all that, letting go won't be so overwhelming or scary to do. Honestly, the hardest part is believing and trusting in the above philosophy. Trusting the Universe is something I have always found hardest to do. Often, the hardest things to do are the most rewarding.

As for personal experience, the 3 things of which I am currently letting loose.

1. Reggie

• Shocker right?!

It should have happened long ago. He's done so much for me in my life and we've had so many good times. But that's what I'm learning, the moments he and I had, the lessons he taught me, the joy he brought me: no one can ever take that away.Those moments existed and were awesome and shaped me to this day.

But it is also possible that that chapter is over. Or he could be a reoccurring character that just has somewhere else to be for a couple of chapters.

All I know is, it's not okay for me to always be the first to text. It's not okay that he doesn't make an effort to see me. It's not okay how much he's hurt me. Until these patterns of behavior genuinely change, I have to let him go and he can't get back in. He can say he loves and cares about me all he wants but people cheapen talk and I can only ever judge people by how they treat me, not how they claim they'll treat me.

• So...it's been a little less than a month since I last contacted him and, as to be expected, he hasn't contacted me. The process at first was PAINFUL. i cried quite a bit and was tempted to text and/or call him more time then I will ever let myself admit. Luckily, I had a good friend who told me to text and/or call her every time I was thinking of contact him. I strongly recommend this strategy. And you KNOW I am beyond willing to be that person. So after awhile, it just got easier. And now? I don't know...I'm starting to begin to realize I don't need him. I'm starting to love myself enough to know that without him my life goes on. I'm experiencing things and meeting new people and conquering new challenges. And for the first time in a long time, I can see myself with out him. Forever if need be.

2. Sutherland

• Again, not a novelty.

I don't know...I guess I like the attention he gives me. Every discomfort I have is an enormous problem to which he needs to coddle i.e. disarm before the world explodes. He makes me feel like I'm his world when we're together and he looks me in the eyes. Can you blame me for craving that feeling? But we know I need to let him go, so...

• What I did recently was make him spend time with me. I laid down the law of what had to happened on the day we chilled. He had to be on time, not high, x amount of time was to be spent, etc. We spent about 6 hours together. Had a great time, I told him we needed a break from each other. Because we both had things to take care of. Told him I would run into him sometime this summer (inevitably) and will see how it feels. No promises, open-ended.
• The pact has gone in and out of implementation so far but honestly, things are A LOT better when it's in place. Trust me. I'm strong enough these days. And I know he loves me, and he knows I am there when he absolutely needs me  but only then.
• My resolution, since we are in the same state for now, is to STOP pulling him aside and/or deliberately meeting him places. Doing so just shows that I haven't let go of our intimate relationship. It just shows I'm making up problems and scenarios to make us exclusive if just for moments. it's not worth it. Anything, I can not say to him publicly should not be said at all.

3. Home

• For while I'm in San Francisco of course.

It is important to love where you are and we know  it makes us sick when we don't. We miss moments when we don't. Moments that are happening right where we are.

• So me, I'm planning ahead. I'm starting a club, I'm building a community, I'm enjoying my classes and putting the extra effort in them. I'm making a life there equipped with things I don't have at home so that I can love both equally for different reasons. School in San Francisco is a major foundation for my future. I plan to make it strong and fun!

So yeah, share you experiences. Hope this helps :)!

157/365 Where do you stand when the ground gives way...[Wakefield prompt]

why is it that everytime this dude is introduced into my life, he consumes a portion of it. Hmmmm, anywho. 

I don't usually stand...

It's more of a floating (coping) mechanism.

Something I developed,

never lean on anything fully.

I've roped my body to the wings of butterflies,

they couldn't hold me.

I clipped their wings to remind me

I can't trust them.

My mother used to store me on a treetop

as a baby.

The bow broke.

I fell,

kept the branch to remind me 

the things that promise to uplift you

will inevitably drop you further.

I don't plan on standing when the ground gives way.

I never trusted it with my weight anyway....

158/365 That journally thing I do when I get all full of world...

I should have never told him I liked him.

I feel really stupid.

Intuition is a bitch and yeah....

Just know, if you break my heart, it's nobody's fault but my own.

That you never saw the signs,

that you never lost your grip,

Oh come on now,

that's such a childish claim.

Shall we call this a lesson learned?

159/366 Letters 53

Dear Kyle,

You are missed

...terribly

160/365 Heartbruised...

"Heart's don't break y'all, they bruise and get better."-Buddy Wakefield

Then I think he got to my lungs too....

In fact, 

all of my innards feel battered and swollen.

My eyes,

have never been more puffy.

I got in a fight with love 

and lost...

BIG TIME!

161/365 Letters 54

Dear Kimberly,

Goddam it. Why do you keep breaking me down? I HATE it.

Which probably means it's good for me.

Fine, whatever. So I'm frontin'. But you have to understand that I'm not used to be dissecting, or people understanding more about me than I understand about myself, or knowing the right questions to ask to break my front.

I'm used to being the advice giver all the time. And I love it. I love people thinking I'm so smart and have so a great social grip and that all mature and shit. I am so not cool with some being so much more acute to the emotions than me.

I am especially not used to such people taking an interest to me and trying to force me to say what's actually on my mind.

Also, I am not used to saying what is actually on my mind. I am extremely used to side-stepping it. I'm a pretty private person in SOME regards. Mostly the things that I haven't put together. But dude...I was 100% with Reggie and look where that got me. I feel like he got sick of me. I feel like it I bare myself too much people will get sick of me. I feel like I'm too much to carry. Too needy, too messy, broken etc.

So yeah, that's why I'm weary about being completely honest with myself. But you said that Reggie isn't the only person in the world. And truthfully, there are a lot of people asking me to open up. And I am hoping that a lot of people will be there for me. I am just genuinely afraid of what might happen if I put my weight on people and they have to withdraw or get too busy or no longer want to carry me. 

What then? I'll just be worse off then I already am. I don't need another Reggie incident. So yep...that's where I am.

162/365 Letters 55

Dear Friends,

So it has been recently been brought to my attention that I haven't been totally fair to you guys...

I've apparently been frontin' like everything is good when I'm actually going through some sh*t so yeah....

Basically, I'm writing this because I have been bitter and feeling like no one is there for me and I have no one to turn to it but it's possible that you are all there for me and I have no one to talk to because I haven't been opening up to the people who are there for you.

So...I don't want to talk to it over Facebook but if you want to know what's going on give me a call or talk to me about it in person. Be aware that I'll probably cry and yeah.... If you don't care to get involve, I completely understand cause I'm a heavy load to carry FOR SURE! This is just my attempt at making sure I don't bull shit people about how I'm doing like I have been told I've been doing, so yeah.

Yeah...this is hella weird and unconventional but if you know anything about me, you'll know that I'm weird and unconventional so yep, here goes nothing.

Sincerely,

Just so you know

163/365 Letters 56

Dear Reggie,

Hey,

Fuck you.

Yours truly,

short and sweet

166/365 Letters 57

Dear Adam,

Did you ever think that the fact that you can't "resist" my sexuality,

and body that that could be YOUR problem?!

Quit blaming me for your shit and take ownership!

Eve

169/365 Letters 59

Hotep King,

Peace and light King. I love you. I love you.

 Thank you for touching my life.

I wish you the absolute beest. You are an utter King.

I love you. Peace, Namaste, etc.

Sincerely, 

Dominique

170/365 Letters 60

Dear Reggie,

Cue the day I OFFICIALLY let you go.

It was a beautiful day in San Francisco as everyday has been since I returned for second semester.

I deleted and blocked you from Facebook last night while laying in bed with my roomie and holding her hand.

It was a big deal for me, lol. Defining moment for me. Cause I knew once that was finished, we were finished.

I woke up feeling my Fabulous Factor genuinely of the charts! This morning I called into Sprint (all by myself!) and blocked your number. Then I went into my e-mail to set your address to spam. To do this, I had to open at least one email from each of my accounts. Of course, I couldn't resist reading them before I let them go completely.

The first one CRACKED ME UP in that manic type of way. Why? Because you spelled it out. verbatim, what would happen between us once you left for New York. You said and I BLANTANTLY ignored you. You said you would not make time for me, that you didn't care how often we talked and that you were more than ready, willing and able to leave me with out even a backwards look. You said it. You were totally honest. And I outright disregarded. That, to me, was hilarious.

I guess, I didn't listen to you because I never wanted to believe I meant that little to you. But I do, and you told me. I have no one to blame for THAT miscommunication but myself. There are ways around being the go to person...even for ourselves. Even when the answer is clear.

So I laughed at myself, uncontrollably, all the way to my 3:30 class. I laughed at the way I taped love over my eye-lids and expected to act productively in this relationship. As a result, I was in a beyond blissful mood. My class was amazing. We went outside midway through and explored SF. I hadn't thought about you since the class started but suddenly, as I stood on the bridge over looking the river, the way the sun bounced of the water and caressed my face. I couldn't help but think, this it, this is life without Reggie. And God...it's beautiful. 

Gapingly so and I frolicked, loved life, pick flowers sang songs and just...*sigh* felt good. I laughed with my friends and, it has nothing to do with you or even the shedding of you. It wasn't the first day I've had like that, it wasn't even the first day I was grateful, it was just further proof that I anything but need you.

So I journey back to my home, had dinner with a friend and then journeyed to my room to finish my e-mail project. I kept reading, only to find out, that I told you exactly what I desperately wanted to happen between us once you left. You assured me it would, that would never neglect me, that you would do your best to keep in touch and that I was out-of-line if I thought other-wise.

We were both really honest with each other and we both fooled ourselves into believing that the other would change there ways or views or wants. We were silly. Anyway, It’s not hard to leave you. Much love and support. I wish you the best.

Dueces,

Dom!! :P