185/365 Letters 66

Dear Reggie,
In case you were wondering,
I do not miss the way you made me feel like a tool because I cared about you more than you care about me.
I do not miss never hearing from you
I do not miss always having to be the first to text or call you.
I do not miss you making light of things that held so much weight,
I do not miss being vulnerable with you for you do not know how much that means.

So no, I don't miss you.
Have a nice life

Much love,
Dom

184/365 Letters 65

Dear Dominique,
Alright, really think about what it is you are thinking about. Yeah, it sounds fun and harmless but you've thought about doing this kind of stuff before. Ugh, you are not as invincible as you'd like to be and can easily get yourself hurt and in deep stuff.

Is it possible that I can convince you that a good crash course in loving yourself and treating yourself well right now would be a better investment of time than giving even apart of yourself to someone who does not treat you the way you deserve. Good things come to those who wait and you only get what you settle for.

Please, if you at all know what is good for you, push the idea of a guy right now out of your head, FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on you. On what your learning in school, on your own. Focus on healing and sharpening your talents and getting your life EXACTLY where you want it to be. Forget about black guys for a second (I know it's hard).

Come on Dom, do yourself, your intuition, this one favor. Stay single, both in your mind and in the physical, until your world is prepared for otherwise. The Butterfly Pavilion is a super tricky one for sure. I honestly don't think you should go with either Franklin or Kyle. In either cases, it would probably be bringing up some romantic feelings that don't need to be there. I know you really want to go with Franklin because he would be so interested and truly appreciate it. Ugh...too dangerous for you to be alone for that long. But alright, go for it so long as it remains platonic and that is the very LAST time you invite him to something where you guys are going to be alone. Don't forget how to contain yourself.

Alright baby girl, good luck.

Sincerely,
Wisdom

For Women Who Are 'Difficult' to Love By Warsan Shire

you are a horse running alone

and he tries to tame you

compares you to an impossible highway

to a burning house

says you are blinding him

that he could never leave you

forget you

want anything but you

you dizzy him, you are unbearable

every woman before or after you

is doused in your name

you fill his mouth

his teeth ache with memory of taste

his body just a long shadow seeking yours

but you are always too intense

frightening in the way you want him

unashamed and sacrificial 

he tells you that no man can live up to the one who 

lives in your head

and you tried to change didn’t you?

closed your mouth more

tried to be softer

prettier

less volatile, less awake

but even when sleeping you could feel 

him traveling away from you in his dreams

so what did you want to do love

split his head open?

you can’t make homes out of human beings

someone should have already told you that

and if he wants to leave

then let him leave

you are terrifying

and strange and beautiful

something not everyone knows how to love.

117/365 About the girl who cried rape...

I've got something that could make you feel better.

She never really loved you.

She wore you out like her favorite pair of hipster jeans and her, "I'm a lesbo" shirt.

You were a good look;

Trendy.

But  trends fade.

I know how to make you feel better. 

Just write it off,

the portion of the relationship where she went through hoops to get you

was just like her applying to 10 schools in Portland because that's where all the hipsters live.

She purchased trips into your body like those tickets to Portland because she knew it's was where all the cool kids had been.

She lit up the first time she told me you were the prettiest girl in school.

The one everyone wanted.

She's graduated.

the peer pressure is gone so tell me, 

who wants you now?

Do you ever wonder why the only picture she kept of you was the one when she had you on top of the dining room table?

How often did you feel like a piece of meat at a fine dining restaurant?

How often did she buy you just to show that she had the money?

Did you enjoy being a trophy wife so much that you could miss it now?

Do you even recall how often she didn't look at you when her hipster friends weren't around.

Or do you only remember the nights she polished you,

whispered sweet nothings in your ear so in the daylight you would shine your smile at her for everyone to see,

So that they'd know how happy she makes you?

Did you ever feel like hoax?

Could you tell when she was lying?

The way she used the word "rape" like it was something all her guy friends would inevitably do to her at a party,

like it was something only truly pretty girls experienced?

Did she talk down to you?

Did she tell you that the only reason all the douche bags at the party didn't finger you is because she was the only one to think you beautiful?

Did you believe her?

is that why you stuck around?

Have you heard her gay poem.

If so, when you listen to it,

can you sit through all the lies she's telling?

Do you consider her a good actor?

Or are you blind?

Did you even notice when intuition put you in a head lock and begged you to leave her,

did you think yourself too weak,

too unworthy,

too ugly.

Did she deceive you that much?

Or have you never known yourself without latching on to someone else?

Did she see you as prey before she descended,

did she know you were weak?

What do you think tipped her off,

was it the dyed hair or loose twat.

Or was it just because you were the prettiest girl in school.

The most trendy thing she could have asked for.

She never loved you.

So STOP crying.

118/365 (50 word challenge #1)

There are mannequins in the windows of Gina's shop.

Mannequins that look like God fled the scene in the wake of man's existence.

These mannequins break through their own reflections,

burrow themselves deep into my mind

so when I look in the mirror

I can't see myself around their bodies.

119/365 (50 word challenge #2)

The lake beside my house reflects the mountains....

Sometimes,

I can't distinguish them from myself...

They're majestic,

I feel the same.

It suggests a certain happiness

but the blues in their skin match the notes in my throat.

Ice caps freeze me too...

Today, 

I walk the line between sinking

and flying.

120/365 Letters 35

Dear Kyle,

I may have some really bad news.... What if i were to tell you that I only wanted you for your body?

What if I were to tell you that you are no use to me anymore and if we're not gonna hook up, we should call it even.

Think about it, I've been accusing you of all the things that were truly me at the core. Why should this one be any different. It could be, that this is the end of our chapter. That it would end because you've lost your use to me? How does that make you feel? 

I don't know if it's true. All I know is my reason for being with you is the way you worked to fend off my demons, how you held me. We've never done anything to let me know we'd be good friends. All I want to do when I'm around you is be alone with you. Maybe not even to make out but to have you to myself. To have those moments leaded with meaning. 

Ok, I'm going to the extremes. I'm only saying this because we haven't developed that relationship. Who's to day we won't. You've surprised me before. I never thought we would end up enjoying each other's company over the phone so much. I never thought we would be able to have text conversations. We have. That means our story, our relationship is capable of evolution.

I made you a promise, that I would earn back your trust. I don't plan on going back on that. Maybe I find something new about our relationship once I do. Alright, alright. I'll see in 4 months.

121/365 Letters 36

Dear Kylee,

I like Franklin. I wanted to text you...but I'm not sure how big your mouth is and I want an adult relationship. Adults don't spread rumors about who they like. They also don't date teenagers...but ignore that.

I don't know. He's REALLY sweet. Super smart. I feel comfortable with him. He's an amazing dancer. We enjoy each other and I have only had so much fun dancing with another person once. 

Could be a rebound though. Which is why I'm taking it slow. This is the plan...well...my fear is he's not the macho man I am often interested in. But I figure, I'm young and I can save my checklist for the years when I'm considering marriage.

Right now I just want fun relationships. Where I'm treated kindly, respected and do things that aren't sexual. I think that could easily be Franklin. That's my checklist for now.

The reason I bring it up is because I usually wait for the guy to make the first move but that may not happen with Franklin. We'll see. I'm pretty sure he likes me though.

So it goes as follows, I spend as much time with him as I can before I go back to school. Equally between groups and alone time. One thing I don't want to repeat from Kyle and my relationship is the inability to enjoy each other when we're not all over each other. Franklin and I will get that right if we're going to do this.

Meanwhile, I tell no one who knows him that I like him. Then, I guess when we get back, I just let it evolve. 

Exci-ci!

122/365 Letters 37

Dear Reggie,

Had a dream about you last night. I don't think I've had a dream about you in awhile but this one gave me the feeling that I had. You know those dreams that seem like they're apart of a series? Yeah, well this one had that sort of ring to it. 

It seemed like there had been many dreams in which we ran into each other and your welcome varied by degrees. At first it was full-fledge Reggie, border lining bullshit, happy response. But the latest dream, I waved at you and called you buddy as casually as I could. As distant from the hug I wanted so badly to full-force plant on you and you looked at me like I was foreign, kept your physical distance and say, "hey, x."

Could be x as in an unnamed number in algebra. Like I was hardly worth having an identity. Or it could be "ex" as in ex-girlfriend. Either were fathomable. I went with the former. The latter seems to give too much credit, gave me some sort of chapter in your life. I don't think you would go for that.

Apparently you did not hear yourself so I asked you why you called me that. You laughed the same laugh you always do when you're trying to make light of something that carries so much weight. The same laugh that cuts me so deep.

You asked me how I was as you kept walking, not actually caring. I heard you down the hall yelling, "STEVE" to someone who meant far more to you, I can only assume. 

I wanted to cry.

Don't call me crazy and write it off as some dream. You did that for the last time when you tried to comfort me about not being able to see you over Winter Break. It was bullshit. You don't tell someone they're crazy for thinking something will happen and then not stop it from happening when you have sole control. That doesn't make it a crazy accusation, that makes it premonition.

I'm beginning to think a lot of things you call me crazy for are actually intuition. Like this dream. I mean that little to you at the core Reg and you know it. God you know it....

Don't bother with me dude. You strung me along for long enough. It was fun. Don't put up the front like we're such great friends, don't bother trying to hang out with me. It ain't going to happen. I don't need you so just leave me alone.

In case you didn't read between the lines; fuck you.

123/365 Letters 38

Dear Reggie,

This feeling in my chest is unbelievable. Like my heart if 4 times the size it should be.

Why do I love you so hard? Why do you care so little?

I feel sooo stupid. 

124/365 The Golden Rule

I've been thinking about taking myself date

but every time I think about it I get nervous.

What if I don't find myself attractive,

what if I'm too tall for myself,

what if I move too fast.

What if we have too many awkward silences,

what if I'm not intelligent enough to maintain a conversation,

what if I'm too boring.

How could I love me.

Few have been able to love me before

and out of that hand full it hasn't lasted long.

125/365 Letters 39

Dear Kyle,

You're angry with me...

admit it.

126/365 Letters 40

Dear Kyle,

You know how upset it makes me that you won't just tell me when your mad at me. Things could be solved so easily and effeciently if you were uprfront.

Instead, I have to find out you're pissed from your cousin. From a third source I have to find out that we're not cool like I thought and maybe it doesn't matter to you but it matters a great deal to me but not enough to make me show up at your door to beg your forgiveness because I have a backbone.

Enough to know when I'm riht and stand up for myself. And if this is the way you're prepared to act, then I don't want your forgiveness.

Grow a pair babe. No offense implied but you were accused of almost raping a girl and your not even going to set the record straight. Then the truth comes out and all of a sudden you don't remember and you get mad at me for defending you're name and reputation? That's weak dude.

Now read this carefully because I mean it: you are not worth of my time, love or efforts. Period.

Have a nice life babe.

127/365 My world this morning (free-write)

My world is made out of rubber.

It hasn't always been this way.

I think one night while

I was sleeping

someone decided to upgrade to this durable material.

Personally, I find it to be uncertain.

I walk into a building and it feels wobbly.

I shake someone's hand and can literally feel the tire tracks that will tattoo the pavement when they peel out on me.

Most likely when I feel like I need them the most because no drama is complete without a hyperbole/something that cannot actually be projected, like that statement.

Pleasure doesn't feel quite as pleasurable in this world. 

I think I've been created out of words.

Much like everything I experience bouncing

off of you and sticks to me.

I'm turing intow fat stanzas.

Pumping one-liners.

I know longer have a plulse.

Just a syllable count.

Stuff just feels off.

128/365

If you're wondering why me,

why now,

why this way.

Remember,

everyone needs their fair share of heartbreak before success truly means anything.

Perhaps you should accept this as yours....

139/365

Your kisses

taste like the weed you smoke on an hourly basis.

You were my closest thing to a natural high.

My lips

were your gateway drug to my thighs.

Phallic tongue

turned to forked fingers that cut me like knives.

And I always wondered why I felt like a piece of meat....

140/365 Despair (no words longer than 9 letters is the rule)

Despise.

Degrade.

Disable.

Keep it two off the mark everytime.

They'll never spot you.

Keep em looking to the left.

Never tip em off.

Razzle Dazzle 

Dress Mohammed like Osama

Hitler like Bush

None the wiser.

Keep em in your corner.

even when you're fighting against them.

141/365 Even shorter

Dress Mohammed like Osama

Hitler like Bush

Razzle Dazzle them

And they'll re-elect you for more.

142/365 Letters 42

Dear Kyle,

Guess I'm not a priority anymore, huh?

Meh, that's cool.

You don't have to call.

It's ok boy, cause Imma be alright ;)

143/365 Letters 43

Dear Franklin,

Baby, take me on a journey. I've been thinking lately I could use a little time alone with you....

[You got me right where you want me]