254/365 Contract with Mikena

Our Goal as unit is to:
*help each other become better poets
*Stay together
*Be understanding
*Be an active listener
*Be Open and honest
*Keep appointments or give adequate notice
*It is Mikena job's to keep Dominique on focus
*Dominique must try her best to stay on focus
*We will give honest and helpful feedback

Our Production Goals by August 30th are to:
*Finish Bohemian Dreamer CD and Something about Caramel
*Finish Mikena's Music/Poetry
*Have DVD stuff with Denver people accomplished.

253/365 You Get Me High

Some people have the ability to catch your eye without even noticing,
to sweep you off your feet without even the remnants of a broom.
I never seem to pour love into anything tangible,

It's always things too big for me to grasp.
Like poetry,
the entire continent of Africa
and you.

You hit my world like a tornado when I was just opening up the window for a breeze.
flung into my face things I never thought I wanted but suddenly became so necessary,
When you held me,
I often felt like a kid on a water slide; innocent without a sense of control
but the last time I was young and lost control,
I ended up in the hands of a man who tore from me the only innocence I had left.

I'm sorry,
that what could have been a blissful experience with you
turned into a reenactment of the traumatizing experience with him.
Thank you for refusing to play his part.

I never wrote us a proper break-up poem..

Shoved it somewhere between  my collection of crosses and ankhs
my religion and reality

Slap it on the list of things I've been meaning to let go of.
But I stay holding on to both
stretching arms
and tearing torso across repelling forces
because polar opposites are far too alike to attract.

I bruised you,
Licked poems into your skin
with my blood raising pen
And as I watched the words settle,
watch the wounds heal,
I'd kiss the spot just to see the ripples
the venom from my lips created.

I never wrote us a proper break-up poem.
Crumbled paper
like the dried flowers petals
and sprinkled it over your bed sheets so you'd never forget my scent,
never forget the smell of a girl deflowered before her time.

Put my rape poem on repeat in your room
so you...

252/365 Letters 88

Dear Kyle,
You suck! I don't like you right now. Which probably cause I'm blowing shit out of proportion but in truthfully, you hurt me and you haven't stopped and without your sweet, but false, words to calm me down right now, I'm just getting angrier.

So we need to talk it out so I can lose the bitterness. I need you to know that I don't trust because you are unreliable and that is just the pure truth and there is nothing to be said about that because we both know it's true. I am not going to open up to you the same way anymore.

For someone who's so concerned about when I get back, you're not paying very much attention to me.
I think you're full of it babe, I'm sick of hearing what I want to hear only to find out soon after that it's fully false. I don't know, I don't know how you fit into my life. You hurt me, and I don't know how much of that is your fault, my fault or the fault of those that came before you.

But seriously, in what world does an effective wake up call take a week to wake you. You're full of it babe. I love you, but you're full of it. I can't keep doing this with you. I'm not the most whole person when it comes to receiving the love of a man, or believing it's still going to be there, so I'm trying but I need consistency. I know you never asked to be the man to show me that men can love me for more than my body. I know that's a huge task, probably to big a task for a fallible human. It's my job not to get so attached.

So I guess at the end of the day I'm just telling you that I'm backing up. I wish you could help me. You're so good at advice, so good at telling me what I need to hear. I guess that's a blessing and a curse.

251/365 Letters 87

Dear Dude,
It would appear I want this to happen. I set myself up for this. It's like I do it for fun. It would be so simple. Don't call you, don't involve you, don't rely on you. That actually doesn't even sound easy.... What's wrong with me dude? What's wrong with you? Why will you always choose weed over those you love, those who love you. Me. I'd do anything for you. I need you right now. Ugh. I know who you are, how unreliable. But I know
...

250/365 Domestic Violence

Do you remember the first time we met?

I thought you were angel.
The way the light bounced off your skin
like a halo
I thought you had the things that could make me feel whole.
and you’d buy me things,
flowers and cashmeres scarves.

I didn’t realize you were just gonna end up leaving finger-prints.
I am walking crime scene.

The first time you hit me,
I stared at soiled hand print on my face for hours
and I remember thinking how beautiful it made me
How lucky I was
to be able to wear proof or your love just above my eye-brow.

The first time you punched me
I could have sworn I tasted affection on your knuckles.

But I never understood the names you called me
or the fact that you never let me out the house.
But everything out my window just looked like the reflections of a warped mind.

I was disillusioned.
Thinking you hit because you cared
kept me because you wanted me
Shackled me out of love

But I hear your tongue rape my name every time it's on your lips.
You’re an abusive lover
You’ve carved vulgarities into my bones that I didn’t even know you knew
The concept of viciousness envies you
and you’re ability to deliver flowers to me in the shapes violet roses
blooming in my skin,
to wrap cashmere scarves around my neck
and tug
Until the bruises on my skin,
become the flowers on my grave.

But this isn’t eulogy.
I moved places and changed my name
just to show you I’m not the girl you once knew.
I’m shedding skin and useless memories
in the pile of the forgotten you are among them.
That night,
I left you
silent distant
I discovered resistance

249/365 To Kyle

"Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past."

 "This, it's an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go. It was not my intention to make such a production out of the emptiness between us."

"Don't hold it against my love, you know I wanna breathe deeper than this. I didn't mean to look so serious. Didn't mean to act like a filthy floor. Didn't mean to turn us into some cutting board."

"And I know it left me lookin like a knife fight."

"I know it left me feelin like a shot gun shell."

"There are ways around being the go to person everybody. Even for ourselves. Even when the answer is clear."-Buddy Wakefiled

"I'm sorry you have been burdened by this letterIt must be heavyThe world weighs 5.98 x 10^24 kg and that's a lot to put to paper but I am tryingbecause you have to know I loved you"-Amy Everhart

"I fear your freedom. Therefore I must fear my own. You are a changing [man]. I recognize you. And am trying to free you of me. It is your freedom that I love. I have not yet learned to love without holding on."-Saul Williams

248/365 Reaching

I don't feel like I got all that I needed to say out. You were tired and I was in a weird mood.


I don't know, I just hope that what I admitted to you doesn't discredit everything I've said in your mind and I hope it doesn't make you feel like anything you have gotten me through wasn't real. I wasn't raped twice but was raped and molested and I needed a solider to get me through some of that battlefield. And you were there and you open me up to a world in me that I didn't even know.

And I didn't know that I was capable of such evil. But I'm glad that you showed me I was... I'm glad you showed me a lot of things.

I'm no better than Libby and things with us went sour quickly and I am jst rambling because I didn't sleep before I wrote you this and reset my mood so I realize that that was a bad idea.

I'm sorry, I made a big deal out of the color book. I want you to have it. The idea that it is going unused kind of bugs me but I also don't want you to feel obligated to use it. I don't know, maybe it's a representation of our relationship. I think it is. We are supposed to be goofy friends that make each other feel like kids. We shouldn't be this heavy. So maybe, one day, we'll colored in it together and you will want to. And maybe you won't think twice before you lay your hands on me or hold me and I won't "melt." Maybe, I won't ever have to wonder if you'll show up when we set a hang out time. I don't know, I think it represents who we're supposed to be but I could be reaching.

Anyway, I know you forgive me but just...I'm really worried that it somehow takes away from what we meant to each other or what we had or what we did or we are or what I've done for you or any of the memories that I hold so dear because even though that white-as-snowflake-lie turned into a snowball it doesn't change the way it felt to me. And what it did for me. 

yeah...I just needed you to know that. And I respect what you're doing, your taking yourself out of any drama that doesn't deal with you and your betterment and you can't know how much I will respect that. i think I'm going to do a similar thing and, in the mist of it, kind of disappear from you life a bit. i know you don't need my shit on your shoulders 

247/365 Letters 86

Dear Kyle,

Sup? Yeah...I'm back. I have these moments. I realized something; the very thing I've been fighting for this whole time. You recognized it first. 

I'm fighting for the girl you fell in love with, the one you said anything to get, the one you wrote poets about. I've never actually been her except on stage. I know you saw her...I didn't. Not really.

I fronted like I knew but the truth is she's trapped. Behind so much pain and past and distrust, scars and bars that have her locked down.

She is what I'm fighting for. Because you were right, she is beautiful. A nameless wind, universal, passionate, devoted and so honest affectionate. There's got to be a reason I find myself walking around like a Queen. Or hovering just above the ground like a Goddess pretending to be human.

246/365 In the moment free-write

All we know for sure, is all that we've been fighting for.
Don't ever forget, we haven't lost it all yet.

I don't know. I'm sure it's stupid and I can't get mad because I'm hardly there for my friends when I feel like their being over-dramatic.

The truth of the matter is, I'm just to in to myself. This summer, I've gotta spend sometime helping others, observing and helping other's process.

Just to switch things up a bit, I need to avoid the limelight. remembering, of course, that my reward is in heaven.

I'm not entirely sure how this should be done. But I trust the universe will give me signals, intuition and such to guide me.

It all turns out well ;)

P.S. Let's blog about it. Maybe even documentary?

245/365 Empowerment Free-write #2

"I am a super-girl and I'm here to save the world."

Power as a woman.
You want honesty?
I've never thought about it.

In fact this is my first time even hearing the idea
and when I hear it,
honestly,
I went women have power?!

I didn't know that.
But believe me,
it's make sense.

Why would they need to work so hard to restrict us
if they weren't so afraid.

So, how do I use this power.
Is it in the eyes,
my spine,
strut
or cleavage?

Where can I find this power
and how do I put it to work for me?

We seem pretty weak to me.
But then,
I know the power centuries of hidden fictionalized history holds.

"That's what they want you to think."
I have that phrase,
it's got social conspiracist written all over it
which has crazy written all over it.
But then, that's what they want you to think....

244/365 Empowerment Free-write #1

1Today I wanna talk about what you see when you look at me,
my curves,
my hips,
the nervousness.
Should I be ashamed?

Because I've heard women are the ones to blame?
When your eyes land on my body
and you suddenly feel a rise,
am I at fault?

It's amazing the shame you feel in you body,
so much so that you would take it out me.
Could blame me.

The shame you feel is not my concern,
I refuse to be unnerved.

In booty shorts and a tank-top.
I'm tired of it.
Tired of asking my friends if I wear this
does it make me a slut?

It's become such a part of our vocab.
Slut
Whore
Bitch
Skank

We've begun to believe them when they tell us we asked for it.
The sexual harassment,
the too long glance
the name calling
and the grasping
and we believe them
because deep down,
we want their attention.

But not like this.
Not this degrading.
No one wants to feel like an object.

243/365 Letters 85

Dear Kyle,
Hey buddy.
First thing's first, I love you. That hasn't even closed to changed.
Second, I'm here for you. If you're life gets to be too much or you need advice or just need someone to talk to, I'm your girl. That will never change.

What will changes is me. I am a changing woman, Kyle. Recognize that. There will be moments when I need freedom from you. This is one of those moments.

I don't want to talk to you right now. Not because I'm mad at you but because I'm not good at pretending everything's okay and what I need to say to you would be unfair to say in any other media but in person. I don't want to tell you when I get back because I want to break the habit of longing to see you every time I hit Denver's soil. 

Let it be for a bit. 

Trust that I want the best for us, but foremost I need the best for me. So let me do my thing!

Much love

242/365 Letters 84

"Some people try
they try to rob your heart blind.
Try to control your mind
tellin', tellin' you that everything's fine.
But I won't be a fool.
I come from a different school.
Where my momma is mighty
where she dances and rules.
So give me any mountain
and I shall climb.
Climb to it's peaks
and kiss the golden sky.
I guess you gotta know the target
before you aim.
Guess you gotta treat pleasure
and pain the same. "-Trevor Hall

"And this is how
you remind me
of what I really am."-Nickleback

Dear Franklin,
I have no interest in being a subject in being a subject studied and compared to your Psychology book. Get a lab rat. I don't know why I would ever find it appealing to lay on your slat and be dissected, have you view my pain just to sow me up and send my on my way. I will not exchange love letters for entries in your scientific journal.

"Thank you for bringing me to this place"

Are you kidding me? It does not matter to me that you say that your do not intend to hurt me when you already have. That means either you do intend hurt me, or you have terrible aim. Either way, you're not very trustworthy. 

241/365 Conversations with Other Woman

Hi Moor, it's Dominique!
I was calling to let you know that I've been thinking about my reasons for going to therapy and I think that I've achieved the goals I have set for myself and that it's time for me to continue my healing process in a different way.

Well, I've been talking to the women in my life since our last session and it just feels a lot more plausible that I would be able to let my wall down with them because I know them better and have more time with them.

I wanna thank you so much. It was very valuable working with you.

240/365 In case you were curious

What is my father like you may ask.
Well, I don’t know, I’ve never met him,
BUT I can gather somethings based upon the pattern of men
I have dated and/or been attracted to. Observe:
1. Whooo he’s a smooth talker. Could make the color blue
become red if he talked to it enough. Tell it anything, I mean
anything, it wants to hear. Oh, and he’s so good at it.
2. Inconsistent. Love ‘em, leave ‘em, and then repeat,
just to make sure it is clear to both parties that HE was
NOT the one who got played. This much is important to his pride.
3. Loves the word sorry. Loves watching the sound waves be absorbed
by women’s ears and then manifested in the curves of the smile as he knows
he didn’t mean it. He just loves to watch weeks of pain be undone in one sentence.
Great source of power.
4. Hardly ever means what he says. Especially if it’s a good thing.
5. Takes on the caring person. He really just wants to observe ancient ruins, take
pictures and tell his friends he was there, that he now knows the history of it. He
has no intention of helping to rebuild.

239/365 Letters 83

Hello Moor,
This is Dominique, I was calling to let you know that I was thinking about the original reasons I went to therapy and I feel that I have reached my goals in terms of having a better understanding of my behavior and how to combat negative thoughts.
At this point in my healing process, I think the best step for me would be to begin opening up to the women in my life that I know and feel well acquainted with. I've already begun trying since our last session and it's difficult but it's getting easier and feeling organic.
Anyway, I want to thank you for all your help and insight. It certainly was valuable.
If you have any questions just give me call back. I have a meeting tonight so if you get my voice-mail just leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. OK, have a good one.
BYE!

238/365 Free-write on bus :)

What do you do when you find out an entire house is invested with termites.
Do you burn it down?
Is it even worth keeping?
Termites that chew straight through oak,
mahogany and the occasional chestnut.

Do you even bother trying to say an already disintegrating house?
Or do you just let it eat itself to death?

My mind is filled with these termites.
Men enter made of all different types of trees
and I devour them.

It's an obsessive habit.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm even worth saving.